My heart is heavy... but I know my Lord is big enough to handle more than it all.

In other news, there's a hurricane on the way! :-/

The Bucket List

10 things I'd love to do before I die... :) I have no idea if and/or when I will accomplish any, some or all of these things. But my heart longs to longs for each of these things. Possibly, someday.

1. Become a certified massage therapist

2. Travel to Australia and Asia

3. Retain/advance my knowledge of knitting and crocheting long enough to create beautiful things

4. Become a happy and creative vegetarian

5. Marry the love of my life

6. Adopt a child

7. Create a true home atmosphere for my own family and share it with those the Lord brings to us

8. Learn to make a violin sing

9. Dance gracefully, joyfully and uninhibitedly

10. Write a song that breaks barriers and touches many hearts





I'm feeling transparent tonight... just quietly longing for something. Not quite sure what it is exactly, but it's down in there somewhere.

How did God create the entire universe, simply from the sound of His voice and the desire of His heart? How has God always existed? Such things are too great for me to comprehend...

"My heart is not proud, O LORD, my eyes are not haughty; I do not concern myself with great matters or things too wonderful for me. But I have stilled and quieted my soul; like a weaned child with its mother, like a weaned child is my soul within me. O Israel, put your hope in the LORD both now and forevermore." ~Psalm 131~

Purity: Part I, a physical examination...

There is absolutely nothing like a completely intimate physical relationship shared by a man and a woman that have made a lifelong, public and binding commitment to one another.

Nothing could begin to compare. A physical relationship was not designed for a dating or engaged couples to "tide them over" until marriage. A physical relationship in its purest and most beautiful form was designed for marriage - between a man and woman.

Our culture, media, food industries and almost every relationship tries to tell you (directly and indirectly) anything else. Seeds of doubt are sown and reaped almost before we are old enough to realize and understand this. "Did God really say...?"

Arguments: first of all, homosexual relationships. I could argue Scripture forbading these relationships (both in OT and NT) and some would say those passages are only grammatical mistranslations from prejudices over the years. I would disagree. In addition to Scripture not allowing homosexual relationships, let's think about this: if God created a man/woman gay, would that person be able to have/produce children naturally? After all, two men or two women can't make a baby by having a completely monogamous relationship. One of my recently-turned-gay friends has multiple children from a previously happy marriage. Tell me how he was born gay, yet still able to produce children? I have friends proclaiming to be gay. But I have friends proclaiming to be alcoholics. Friends proclaiming to be chemically dependent. It breaks my heart, seriously. Nobody wants to be responsible for taking actions. Nobody wants to admit that they are a sinner. Everyone wants to have a gene that makes them more susceptible to the "sins" they've fallen prey to. Everyone wants to be labelled either as "sick" or "born that way" instead of labelled "fallen with disposition to sin rather than to live as the Lord intends".

Arguments: masturbation. No excuses here, either. Scripture doesn't blatantly discuss this issue in an isolated manner, but if love is patient and is not self-seeking.... well, a sexual relationship is designed to bring pleasure to both partners. It would seem this kind of act is selfish more than selfless. Being satisfied in and of yourself alone, when you want it, not waiting on the Lord and to share this intimate pleasure with the one whom was meant for you.

Arguments: dating/engaged couples just want to enjoy "some" physical relationship: well, I'd honestly say get out of the physical relationship if you're not ready to take that physical commitment holistically and get married. Once a sister said to me about her and her then-fiance: "we dated a long time. We wanted to serve one another, even physically, especially as the relationship slowly progressed. We knew we were getting married, eventually..." and they did get married. Some people may not see there being a problem at all. But I do. Again, if love is patient... it sounds nice to "serve" your significant other by giving them physical/sexual favors without actually going "all the way", but again, I would still say this falls short of God's intended place for a physical relationship. How beautiful if on the first night of marriage, a husband and wife would feel the physical thrills of intimacy for the first time. Not just the act of sex itself, but everything surrounding physical stimulation and intimacy.

Don't think I'm just throwing rocks with this blog. I have failed this beautiful idea. I have fallen and broken in this, as I am in every other way. My rebellion and choices have put me under my own judgment in this blog. But thank GOD His grace through Christ is enough to cover me. Not that I may keep sinning so grace abounds, but thankful for His grace for my broken heart over my faults and bad decisions. Grace and trust that I will not make these same decisions ever again.

Coming soon: Purity, Part II: emotional coverage...

title?

*Edited July 2... still in process. Got a 2nd verse but afraid it jumps too fast. Warning, brokenness can be so ugly. But Christ is still making all things new... I had to process my heart breaking for friends.

"C'mon, pretty lady", whispered clear
kept his secret through the years
Bound her to him unawares
Tender voice caressed her ears

Fingers playing through her hair
Shivers in innocence laid bare
Little princess starts to cry
Clock strikes midnight without a care
----
Now I lay me, down to sleep
Pray Thee, Lord, this body keep
(but) should he draw near once again
Keep him far from this bed

Time goes by, blurred and slow
Budding womanhood's glow
One day comes upon his face
Clear as midnight's terrors flow

Her defiant gaze is clear
Won't give in to whispered fears
Distant clocktower's bells declare
Cinderella's grown and free:
------
Now I lay me, down to sleep
Thank Thee, Lord, this body keep
Now he's drawn near once again
And kept far from this bed.

More to come.

A quote...

... from the Hebrew Talmud.

"Be very careful if you make a woman cry, because God counts her tears. The woman came out of a man's rib. Not from his feet to be walked on, not from his head to be superior, but from the side to be equal. Under the arm to be protected, and next to the heart to be loved."

The Eyes of an unknown man...

This might be almost complete... it's gone through a few drafts, here's the latest.

Isaiah 58:6-7...

Sitting in the median,
Head bowed down, figure bent
He holds a sign tattered and worn
“Help” the only printed prayer

Traffic waits for the changing light
My minds wanders to his life
He glances up and now I see
Forever connecting, I’ll never escape…

His eyes… they belong to the least of these
His eyes… searching for hope
His eyes… reflecting a world in need
His eyes… are calling for you and me

Driving by like all the rest
Comfortable in selfishness
He’s just one more, he’ll find a place
He’s a lazy, no-good bum…

Who are we to weigh and judge
When we’re called to feed and clothe
Will His story e’er be whole
When we ignore Your pleading through…

His eyes… they belong to the least of these
His eyes… searching for hope
His eyes… reflecting a world in need
His eyes… are calling for you and me
His eyes…

The day will come when I must surely answer for this man
When I failed my Savior I failed to truly see into…

His eyes…
His eyes… searching for hope
His eyes…
His eyes… calling for you and me
His eyes…

Post-college...

This blog hasn't been updated in quite some time... but I'm still here!

I just graduated from college. Kind of a nice feeling. You know it's funny, people always ask the same question... "what's next for you?"And honestly, I don't have a straight-up answer about a full-time job, getting married, or some other such thing.

I'm still learning to laugh when I don't have the standard quick answer people are looking for. Why should I really know what I'm doing for the next year/s of my life? I suppose in some ways it would be nice to have concrete plans... but the beauty of my Lord is that He is in control!!! He has numbered the hairs on my head and counted my days before my life began! Even when I think I have concrete plans and they are coming to fruition, time and time again I've seen how the Lord comes in, takes hold of a situation and completely re-directs me into His will for my life. It's so cool to be able to look back and see His hand, though in the moment it can be a bit disorienting and... well, adventuresome to say the least.

Isaiah is full of reminders of God's faithfulness. Israel was constantly being reminded of the heart of the Lord for His people... through their unfaithfulness, their time in the wilderness, their time in captivity to Egypt and Assyria... good night, these people were living in times of uncertainty. Man, I think I've got uncertainties... can't even begin to compare to these guys. But always, the Lord was right there alongside of them and knew exactly what He was doing. It's so comforting to read and know that He does not change. Even Paul states we can be content in all situations because the Lord is faithful and able to give abundant strength for what we must daily face. Oh, the Bible is SO full of the testimony to God's faithfulness. There's really no words for it... but it's incredible. He's incredible.

I don't know what is coming next for me. Most of the time I'm alright with that... and the times I get nervous or uncertain, it's such a blessing to remember the Lord knows. He's got my life right in His hands. His plans are good, He is showing me to be faithful in the daily tasks He has placed in my life today. That is enough for me. I still dream and plan and desire... but the Lord will bring His plans to complete fruition in His timing. :)