"The Reluctant Christian"

I saw a friend today I hadn't seen for about 4 months or so. Before that, I hadn't seen him for about 4 years or so... and before that, I'm not sure.

He looked at me during one point in our conversation... I had asked him if I could pray for him and he just said "I'm not sure I believe... that... anymore. I first started wondering after my grandpa died... I think about it every day." We talked a bit more, I re-voiced the question, and he assented. As I sat, just trying to talk with God about my friend... I asked for Truth to be revealed to him... and that he could have true peace in that Truth. I didn't go too deep in the moment, but I think God understood. Apparently so did my friend, because after I said "amen", he paused for a moment, put his hat back on and looked up at me... all he said was "well, I don't think I'm going to sleep tonight."

Reluctant Christian... they are everywhere. People with doubts and questions for God, and for various reasons they have been choosing to push their questions aside for the time being... not just their questions, but they have refused to acknowledge God as Lord. But they belong to God and He brings them to Himself - in His timing. My friend is struggling through his death questions... who knows what else. So I'm asking God in boldness and yet with child-like hope and faith that my friends' heart will be led to the knowledge of God and His offer of hope for the world through Christ. My heart aches for friends like him... I see their longing for peace, for rest... and we both know they don't have it. At the end of the day, that's why I can sleep at night, though... the gift God has somehow chosen to give me.

"God saved you by His grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. ~Ephesians 2:8~"

I pray this gift is also a gift my friend receives... and others like him. Perhaps he is reluctant... and will only remain so for a little while longer. I hope and pray this is true!

A day of healing and blessing...

Jesus! what a Friend for sinners!
Jesus! Lover of my soul;
Friends may fail me, foes assail me,
He, my Savior, makes me whole.

Jesus! what a Strength in weakness!
Let me hide myself in Him.
Tempted, tried, and sometimes failing,
He, my Strength, my victory wins.

Jesus! what a Help in sorrow!
While the billows over me roll,
Even when my heart is breaking,
He, my Comfort, helps my soul.

Jesus! what a Guide and Keeper!
While the tempest still is high,
Storms about me, night overtakes me,
He, my Pilot, hears my cry.

Jesus! I do now adore Him,
More than all in Him I find.
He hath granted me forgiveness,
I am His, and He is mine.

Hallelujah! what a Savior!
Hallelujah! what a Friend!
Saving, helping, keeping, loving,
He is with me to the end.

Caught up...

People (particularly believers) can use a lot of lingo about "taking the easy path"... usually when speaking pseudo-sympathetically (or pseudo-judgmentally) of others' poor life choices and eventual consequences.

I started thinking tonight about how I am taking the "easy" path though. I've been dealing with a lot of my insecurities and failures... it's been a difficult summer for me in many ways. I've felt alone for a lot of it, lots of miscommunications with dear ones, and ultimately feeling like a failure in many of the things I attempted TO do. It's been very disheartening. Not many people know this. In fact, I don't believe anyone knows I have this blog so I may just be writing to myself anyhow. But it's true... I have felt more alone, more disheartened, more like a failure, and more depressed than I have probably ever felt in my life. Which is so strange... because honestly, I feel like I've spent more time with the Lord than I have in a long time also. Maybe part of that was out of desperation and feeling all these things described above. I would go to the Word and just spend time quietly (or tearfully) with Him.

About that "easy" path, though... all these feelings, situations, failures... it has been so easy for me to focus on how much of a loser I am. How much I've failed, how I'm such a terrible person, how I'm not love-able, whatever it is... and honestly, it's easier to delve into those feelings and wallow in them than remind myself that (while horrid and depraved) I am God's precious daughter. He loves me. For that reason and that alone, I am not a failure. I'm not un-love-able. I do not need to lose heart. I don't need to beat myself up.

But that can be the harder path for me. I see others so easily the way Christ sees them... but I have a hard time seeing myself as Christ sees me. But that is what I have to remember. Even though I'm still striving to be like Christ, He has taken my guilt and shame upon His shoulders... willingly and lovingly. I can love myself, not because of how amazing and perfect I am, but because somehow God chose me and loves me. I ache to be whole and I long to be in His presence, complete and no longer subject to Satan's temptings and tauntings.

He is good!!!

My heart is heavy... but I know my Lord is big enough to handle more than it all.

In other news, there's a hurricane on the way! :-/