Caught up...

People (particularly believers) can use a lot of lingo about "taking the easy path"... usually when speaking pseudo-sympathetically (or pseudo-judgmentally) of others' poor life choices and eventual consequences.

I started thinking tonight about how I am taking the "easy" path though. I've been dealing with a lot of my insecurities and failures... it's been a difficult summer for me in many ways. I've felt alone for a lot of it, lots of miscommunications with dear ones, and ultimately feeling like a failure in many of the things I attempted TO do. It's been very disheartening. Not many people know this. In fact, I don't believe anyone knows I have this blog so I may just be writing to myself anyhow. But it's true... I have felt more alone, more disheartened, more like a failure, and more depressed than I have probably ever felt in my life. Which is so strange... because honestly, I feel like I've spent more time with the Lord than I have in a long time also. Maybe part of that was out of desperation and feeling all these things described above. I would go to the Word and just spend time quietly (or tearfully) with Him.

About that "easy" path, though... all these feelings, situations, failures... it has been so easy for me to focus on how much of a loser I am. How much I've failed, how I'm such a terrible person, how I'm not love-able, whatever it is... and honestly, it's easier to delve into those feelings and wallow in them than remind myself that (while horrid and depraved) I am God's precious daughter. He loves me. For that reason and that alone, I am not a failure. I'm not un-love-able. I do not need to lose heart. I don't need to beat myself up.

But that can be the harder path for me. I see others so easily the way Christ sees them... but I have a hard time seeing myself as Christ sees me. But that is what I have to remember. Even though I'm still striving to be like Christ, He has taken my guilt and shame upon His shoulders... willingly and lovingly. I can love myself, not because of how amazing and perfect I am, but because somehow God chose me and loves me. I ache to be whole and I long to be in His presence, complete and no longer subject to Satan's temptings and tauntings.

He is good!!!